on your birthday you wouldnt let anybody get you anything so i think im gonna have to sneak it into your arms and youll probably hate it so much cause i probably payed way too much no i dont expect you to say very much just please dont say "it was the worst birthday ever." i took myself down to the lake where we once played and dug our feet right down and into the sand. and i sunk right down to the bottom those rocks you gave me, i couldnt help but hold onto them and although i know i probably, oh wont be seein you again i wouldnt say "it was the worst party ever." oh so i ask you now please dont go out to the rocks and into the cold, cold, dark snow and if you die please take me with you together we'll die just like xiu xiu and when we die ill bleed red, you'll bleed blue and i wouldnt say "we were the worst people ever" and although we try to live our "best lives ever!!!" were doomed to die our "worst deaths... ever."

i am so small i am so small i can feel the weight of the pain again the pain, i feel the pain again i can't cry. i am so tiny i am so tiny that i can feel the world spin i feel the world as it turns i cant walk in a straight line. you are so pretty i find myself so lonely and i can feel the weight of the world pushing down on me i can feel the weight of the pain on my back. on my back! and i can feel the pain of the world i can feel the pain in your legs i will take the pain from you. if i have to.

(try your best and ill forgive you) you left your diary sitting in the front seat and all the leaves in your hair you left them for me no we can not just go diving into the river, so great so bare (hey, alright. Yeah.) and they all left us here alone, and cold and they were never ours to begin with we knew that from the start (hard to believe that ill be my own sacrifice to find my own self-indignity when its so hard to even understand what im searching for.) you mussnt be scared i wish i were there to hold you. and finally meet you. (see the air clear, and the sky will glow with a great mighty glow! good times are in the pipeline, i can feel it!) the mountain we climbed was so steep we reached the peak and went back down now erase. replace. repeat. never get past the first page if only we could eat good will we'd never go hungry from all the greeting cards (you've gone cold. your hold feels like spoke.) i suddenly feel scared... i wish you were here to hold me and finally meet me. ----------------------------- feels so strange. in the rain...

saw Mount Eerie tonight if you were real then I would say "im so happy youre here. and im glad you exist" he sang of being in his twenties again and a river floating through his bedroom he said he'd stare at the cloudy sky and see his loved there i look next to me at the empty chair. i am alone dear god i am alone so ill dress up all my demons well drink hot tea well sit around in a circle and gossip glee dear god im a sad mess dear god bless this mess! dear god im a fucking mess! dear god i am alone i wont rest until my best has shown now from the test of will my head is broke down i am alone saw Mount Eerie tonight he sang of being in his twenties again and a river floating through his bedroom he saw you in the sky. i sat silent.

ive run out of people to write songs about so now i will speak of myself and let it all out okay, well, two winters ago i wanted to kill myself and again the next winter after and now, well, i dunno and now, well... i hope i dont... i have no money but i keep spending it all on worthless things like records and fast food i keep giving all my shifts away but i only have just one shift a week i havent been there in over 2 months i wanna quit but im afraid of getting a new one oh my dear youve fallen fast, youve fallen far let me hold you in my arms and tell you "youll be alright." thank you, id appreciate that very much i broke down crying while i was writing "To the Cats Behind the Screen" i had been visiting them every night and my favorite one was suddenly gone so i grabbed an adoption form, i filled it out i wrote all their names down under the reason why, i said "im alone." i hate this town! its getting me down my friends are fake and my body still aches the ghosts all lie upon my walls and they never come down my brain is a sack of meat thats only goal is to eat itself. undoing. coming undone. my life has become painfully stagnant my school is now less important my past is now strikingly real atleast what i can remember and i only dance when im drunk or high and i dont even like doing drugs but i never say "no" when im offered and ive given up on a love life because whod want to love a weak body like mine and i think i might be bisexual but i hate having titles so you'll never hear me say it out loud! im struggling not to be a shitty person in todays society it scares me cause i lack empathy in almost everything i find morbid things funny. oh god, am i sociopath? am i that fucked up from my past? no, i can't be. I want to be the best me i can ever possibly be. but how can i do that when even i hate... me? is this? is this how i am? this is me at 17.

i miss the cornfields their pearly gates i want to be home soon. i miss the cornfields their busy streets i want to be home soon.

i really thought that i would be much gladder after our meeting yesterday but i find im much sadder and i think im gonna stay that way yeah, i think im gonna stay that way travel down to your favorite place in which you lie and i find that you will have to be coming back someday maybe, i hope you forgot your polaroids so i will stay off your wall i remember last summer but now youre not like that at all time how you change all my friends kill them off one by one time how you may do what you like to my body gravity will take us all. i missed you more than i let on and i have nothing more to say about that and ill stay silent i wont say a single thing youll never know how badly i want to hear you sing you liked my songs, and i liked you.